33 [Video]

[somethingspecial]

[There is only the briefest flash of dark brown hair as Rachel Berry turns on the PCD and races through the aisles to the stage of the theatre that she has been renovating -- and re-renovating. It appears most of it is cleaned up, from the flood, though there is still some obvious damage... but the stage is clear, which is all that really matters. For a moment, all is quiet, until two figures appear on the stage -- Blaine Anderson and Rachel Berry.

It’s Rachel that speaks first, clasping our hands together with a bright and cheery grin, her voice carrying perfectly throughout the stage.]

Excuse me! It has come to our attention that many of you have been struck deaf, blind, and dumb from this recent event, which has apparently transformed all of you into perfectly normal and defenseless human beings. While I am certain this is a tragedy for most of you, it is actually quite the relief to most of us -- so, without further ado, Blaine and I would like to dedicate this performance to the normal people of the city who can finally get a good night’s sleep.

[And she clears her throat.]

[Blaine takes a small step forward on stage, taking Rachel’s hand as he does so she moves with him. Once he’s moved, he turns to face her and, with a smile, he speaks his first few lines before the song is supposed to begin.]

Ha ha, oui, my friends; the day we have waited for may be at hand!

[Rachel grins at the words before she turns to face him, rocking forward on her toes slightly in excitement before she follows up with her next lines.]

Oh, if only that were true, Lumiere!

[He lets out a soft sigh as he turns more toward the camera.]

Aaah...human again.

[Rachel mirrors his reaction to a T as she, too, sighs wistfully and looks out towards the empty audience.]

Human again...

[Blaine offers her a quick glance once more before letting go of her hand and dropping both of his to the side.]

Yes, think of what that means...

[He takes a deep breath and begins to sing. He drags the first two words of the phrase out before continuing the rest at a normal pace. As Blaine performs, he moves across the stage, trying to act out as best as he can the things described in the song.]

I'll be cooking again! Be good-looking again! With a mademoiselle on each arm --

[He offers the camera a quick wiggle of his very triangular eyebrows while singing this line before continuing.]

When I'm human again! Only human again! Poised and polished and gleaming with charm...I'll be courting again! Chic and sporting again!

[Rachel laughs, as she claps her hands along to the silent background music, watching Blaine dance around the stage as she sings the next piece.]

Which should cause several husbands alarm!

[And then Rachel steps to one side, and her voice becomes slightly higher, to take on a new role in the production -- after all, it’s only the two of them, and someone has to play Chip.]

I’ll hop down off the shelf!

[Blaine stops his dancing for a moment to face Rachel again and he extends his arm toward her in a dramatic manner.]

And toute suite, be myself!

[Rachel takes his hand with a grin to be pulled closer, spinning neatly before arriving on his other side, still holding his hand.]

Oh, I can’t wait to be human again!

[It’s then that Rachel lets go of Blaine’s hand to move quickly across the stage, producing a hand mirror from a drawer of a table, raising it to eye-level to look at herself critically. Her singing voice becomes a little higher, and definitely more pretentious, as she takes on yet another role.]

When we're human again! Only human again! When we're knickknacks and what-nots no more!

[She puts the mirror behind her back to return to Chip’s previous singing voice with a grin.]

Little push, little shove; they could, whoosh! Fall in love!

[And out comes the mirror again with a laugh.]

Ah, cherie, won't it all be top-drawer! I'll wear lipstick and rouge! And I won't be so huge! Why, I'll easily fit through that door -- I'll exude savior-faire! I'll wear gowns! I'll have hair! It's my prayer to be human again!

[Blaine steps toward center stage once more, this time straightening up his blazer as he begins his next few lines. He’s also dragging a chair with him and he places it in front of him before he starts singing, this time with an attempt at a stuffy English accent.]

When I'm human again! Only human again! When the world once more making sense -- I'll unwind for a change!

[Rachel puts a mouth to her hands to try not to laugh, before she manages her own atrocious French accent.]

Wouldn’t that be strange!

[He looks over at her, with a mock glare.]

Can I help it if I’m t-t-tense?!

[He turns away from her, his smile once again returning as he starts to step up on the chair, swaying to the imaginary music around him.]

In a shack by the sea, I'll sit back sipping tea -- Let my early retirement commence! Far from fool made of wax -- I'll get down to brass tacks and relax!

[As he says the last line, he jumps over the top of the chair in an excited manner (a nearly high school musical way if people would recognize it). Once he lands, he quickly pulls the chair to the side and joins Rachel again for the rest of the song.

Together, the sing the rest of the song as a duet -- though Rachel seems to have procured brooms for each of them to use as they waltz around one another, cleaning the stage in time with their singing.]

When I'm human again -- So sweep the dust from the floor! Let's let some light in the room! I can feel, I can tell, someone might break the spell Any day now!

[Rachel points the broom dramatically off stage, with a laugh, before she melts back into character.]

Shine up the brass on the door! Alert the dustpail and the broom!

[And Blaine joins her in her sweeping and cleaning as they resume singing together, in more or less perfect pitch and harmony, though it is interrupted by the occassional laugh and swat of a broom by either one of them at any given moment.]

If all goes as planned, our time may be at hand, any day now! Open the shutters and let in some air! Put these here and put those over there! Sweep up the years, of sadness and tears and throw them away!

[Blaine has found himself on top of the table, extending a hand to Rachel to join him. She takes his hand with a grin and is pulled up rather easily, broom still in hand, as they sing.]

When we're human again, only human again -- When the girl finally sets us all free! Cheeks a-bloomin' again -- we're assumin' again -- we'll resume our long lost joie de vie! We'll be playin' again, holiday' again, and we're prayin' it's A-S-A-P!

[Blaine jumps off the table and turns to catch Rachel as she follows suit, spinning her neatly before setting her on her feet, so they can both sing the finale.]

When we cast off this pall, we'll stand straight, we'll walk tall, when we're all that we were! Thanks to him, thanks to her, coming closer and closer, and closer and...

[Rachel grabs Blaine’s hands and together, they drop the brooms, and waltz across the stage, clearly not taking this seriously anymore, but they are still singing the finale, dancing and whirling around with -- well, ease, across the stage. They have clearly rehearsed this.]

We'll be dancing again! We'll be twirling again! We'll be whirling around with such ease! When we're human again, only human again, we'll go waltzing those old one-two-threes! We'll be floating again! We'll be gliding again! Stepping, striding as fine as you please! Like a real human does, I'll be all that I was! On that glorious morn, when we're finally reborn, and we're all of us human again!

[As soon as they are finished singing, Rachel breaks into laughter before she hugs Blaine tightly. They spin for a few times in the center of the stage before Blaine jerks his head towards the camera, taking Rachel's hand, and offering Adstringendum a bow before they both break into laughter again.]

Comments

[expunger]

You are being childish. There are ways to entertain yourself that are not at the expense of others.

Oh, don't worry about it. I'll be fine. I have the power of music to answer my questions.

[somethingspecial]

You are upset over a Disney Broadway musical number.

[:T]

And that song will hardly answer your questions save for a helpful reminder that Belle must fall in love with the Beast or the teacups and broomsticks will remain just that for the rest of their lives.

[DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW RIDICULOUS EVERYONE IS BEING NOW. 8(]

[expunger]

I am irritated at [DOUCHEBAGGERY] being belittled.

... [Headtilt.] Rachel, that was sarcasm. [How are you so fucking stupid holy shit I hate all the things.]

[somethingspecial]

Well, you don't strike me as the type of person that would attend a show, I was simply explaining for your benefit. And I am sorry that you feel belittled -- that truly wasn't the intention.

[She is being genuine, at least. 8|]

Now, what did you want to speak to me about?

[NEVER LETTING IT GO.]

[expunger]

I watched the entire development of human history. The details of a Disney plot are neither important nor interesting to me.

[She grits her teeth, not... especially trying not to look stressed, actually. She's never really had to try. She also doesn't know to try to look less like she's about to pass out. Guess who hasn't eaten? Ever? This, kids at home, is why the other angels are using voice.]

It does not matter.

[somethingspecial]

[... oh, that doesn't look good. Rachel forgets her insult and focuses on her concern, instead.]

You look ill.

[expunger]

[She knows that. :| ]

I am not. [This is the hardest thing ever forever.] If you're finished with your press conference- that conversation.

[somethingspecial]

Of course, you can --

[... oh, she can't fly.]

Well, I suppose I could meet you somewhere. Where are you?

[expunger]

[She opens her mouth to say something, then- doesn't. She shakes her head instead, waving a hand dismissively.]

No. Where are you?

[somethingspecial]

At the theatre.

[x,y]

offline forever fuck the police

[expunger]

[Like FORTY MINUTES LATER sob Raphael shows up, looking overheated, exhausted, and generally unhealthy. She is, in all honesty, taking it like a champ, and has the look of someone who would break their arm and shrug it off as just a little ache.]

Rachel.

[somethingspecial]

[... cxlghsldgh. She slides off of the stage to meet her halfway, concerned, before she stops and hurries back to the stage to grab at a bottle of water, hurrying back to meet Raphael with it. She offers it quickly.]

You should drink this.

[expunger]

[She takes it, arm dropping hard like the bottle's too heavy for her, glances at it for a second, then looks back at Rachel. Raphael's ignoring her body like a champ right now. Pity, too. If she pays attention, she could notice a laundry list of symptoms that any formerly pseudo-omniscient being could identify.]

I need more than this.

My brothers and I... have no resources. We have nothing. We... [Hnnngh what?] ...My- my brothers are in a worse position than I.

[somethingspecial]

You need help.

[Look, Rachel can say it for you. 8D]

[expunger]

...Yes. [Pausing for a minute, here, she's kind of- woozy. But hiding it. A lot. Totes. Perfect masquerade, here.]

We need food. [When did it get hot in here? It's really hot in here. She grits her teeth and keeps talking, determined to be an adult about this.] Access to running water is limited for the time being, and none of- none of us-

[And she's down. Passing out like her marionette strings have been cut.]

[somethingspecial]

[Rachel is watching Raphael with very wide eyes, and she opens her mouth to interrupt, to tell Raphael to sit down, when Raphael collapses to the ground.

And Rachel shrieks, her hands flying to her mouth as she stares in abject horror.]

Raphael -- ? Raphael!

[Rachel stoops to shake the angel's shoulders lightly, her eyes wide as saucers.]

Raphael! Raphael, you must wake up -- oh my goodness, I killed an angel, I am not making it to Paradise -- think, Rachel, think, what to do, what to do, what wakes people up out of comas -- oh! Oh, this works in movies -- hold on --

[And then Rachel jumps to her feet before grabbing up another bottle of water, uncorking it quickly, before she dumps it unceremoniously on Raphael's face.]

[expunger]

[Oh, it works.

She reflexively lashes out to punch whatever's closest to her before her eyes are even open, but it works.

Raphael is still on the ground when that happens and she comes to properly, reacting as... gracefully as you would expect, with all the pinache of someone just doused in cold water.]

What- what was that? [She tries to get up but kind of- can't, and falls on her elbows, head bowed as she quells the urge to throw up.

...At least she doesn't feel hot enough to die anymore. By a tiny, tiny margin. Have the most hateful glare, Rachel. Angels like water as much as cats.]

[somethingspecial]

[Unfortunately for Rachel, what happens to be closest to Raphael is Rachel herself. So the punch sends her firmly on her backside with the startled yelp of pain akin to a puppy being stepped on.

... you're going to have to give her a moment, because that really hurt, slkghsgskhgsd]

[expunger]

[The world will have to give Raphael a moment, because she's leaning over here to throw uLKASJFHGDGKLGJAS.]

[somethingspecial]

[She's rubbing at her collarbone with a cringe, because owww -- and then Raphael is puking.

Cue Rachel scrambling forward, ignoring the pain for a moment, to land on her hands and knees.]

When was the last time you ate or drank, Raphael? You look awful -- and it has been hot out, you need to replenish your fluids --

[expunger]

The last time? [Hnnnngh gripping the ground why does it keep moving.] You act as if there has been one.

[somethingspecial]

Raphael.

[You are being scolded by an overdramatic midget. And Rachel scrambles to her feet to dig through her bag to find --

An apple.

She offers it to her quickly, eyes wide.]

You must not forgo eating and drinking, especially in this heat, you will get heat exhaustion -- if you do not already have it.

[expunger]

[An apple. She's being given an apple.]

An apple? Of all the fruits in the world, Rachel, and you choose apples to offer the angel.

[But. Fuck. It looks good. She takes an uncertain bite and then alkshjfgkhas oh look where did half the apple go it's gone isn't it magic. She looks at Rachel, completely calm and dignified and overheating again. Still not touchign the water because derp, and not even thinking to remove her heavy black jacket and the long sleeved business shirt underneath it- nothing in her mind has connected the heat to the three fucking layers she's wearing, but she is, at least, picking up the water bottle.]

Heat exhaustion. [The coolness of the bottle feels good on her hand. She opens it, sips, and then chugs the bottle without stopping before looking at Rachel.] I do feel... uncomfortable.

[somethingspecial]

It is probably the heavy jacket you are wearing, along with lack of proper hydration and no food.

[She's trying really hard not to sound condescending, but it's tough going. Also ignoring your bitching about the apple, because screw you, it's delicious and good for you.]

You should wear a tee-shirt and shorts or something -- let me find more water, I think Jesse brought a case of it here when we were cleaning --

[And she's up to find another bottle.]

[expunger]

Hn. [Ignoring your condescending not-tone, now, and starting to unbutton her jacket. If she were any more reluctant, it would be an HBO original movie and she'd be crying in front of a Japanese businessman. But she strips down to a... camisole her vessel had on underneath, feeling the distinct impression that this isn't nearly enough clothing for anybody, and polishes off the rest of the apple while Rachel goes. Raphael's sensible and exhausted enough to know not to move or push it right now.

Okay, she's not sensible. She's just really tired. Sitting is fine right now.]