somethingspecial | 19 [Accidental Video]

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19 [Accidental Video]

[The video cuts on in the middle of Rachel brushing out her hair, watching herself in her mirror. There's a large macaw in the corner, which is the only sign of the event being in her room.

She doesn't seem focused on the PCD -- or the parrot -- but instead on her image in the mirror. Rachel sighs -- the humidity is causing her hair to be curlier and poofier than it normally is and the amount of moisture certainly isn't doing anything for her skin. A tug or two through and the brush makes it through her hair, but the girl looks less than satisfied.

Until Rachel cocks her head to the left and curls her fingers around the handle of her brush and begins to sing to herself, softly, at first, but the more she sings, the louder and more passionate it becomes:]

My mama told me when I was young, we're all born superstars. She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on, in the glass of her boudoir --

[A neat spin and Rachel is full out singing into her mirror -- and seems to be doing a dance, along with her song -- and it appears perfectly choreographed.]

There's nothin' wrong with lovin' who you are, she said, 'cause he made you perfect, babe, -- so hold your head up, girl, and you'll go far -- listen to me when I say -- !

[The brush is long since forgotten on the dresser, by this point, as she continues her dance.]

I'm beautiful in my way, 'cause God makes no mistakes, I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way -- don't hide yourself in regret, just love yourself and you're set, I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way --

[The PCD times out soon after -- the network has apparently had enough diva for the time being.]

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[Rachel shrugs. She does, and Rachel hated it, because that was the one thing Rachel didn't want to be wrong about. Everything was supposed to be okay, when Finn told her that he loved her. How hard was it for someone to keep that promise? She certainly didn't tell people that lightly. Why did everyone else?]

It's over now, anyway.

[he nods slowly. Trying not to go back to wanting to break Finn's face. It's a bit hard but he manages since - really Finn had her. She loved him - that what the one thing that made Jesse break up with her and in his anger and well, disappoitment, break her heart because he loved her - loves her - and somehow he never knew how to do the right thing eith Rachel. Then again he never loved anyone before her either]

It's his lost.

[their lost. But that he kept to himself]

It doesn't feel that way.

[It's a quiet admission, and Rachel finally lets go of his hand to cross her arms across her chest. Because it really doesn't feel that way. It feels like she screwed up -- and Rachel did, she knows she did. In a moment of anger and aggravation, she completely ruined what she thought was the best thing in her life.

But, as Quinn so bluntly put it, it wasn't meant to be. And Rachel knew it was the truth. It was just a time-bomb, ticking down to the inevitable explosion where Rachel couldn't handle being placed second for football and Finn couldn't handle Rachel's obsessive need to succeed.

It just wasn't meant to be.]

"Now - it doesn't feel like that now, but you know what Rachel - one day he'll realized he lost someone very valuable, and possibly the best girl he'll ever meet - I know I did," he allowed a bit of a confession, "and he'll feel like the idiot he is but you will be in another place entirely. New York, Broadway, everything you ever wanted. High school will be nothing."

[It didn't feel that way. It felt like everything, her entire world was ripped away, when Finn glared at her with such loathing in the hallway.

"Well, I never thought you could be so mean."

But something else causes Rachel to look up at him, eyes damp.]

You did?

[...He kinda hoped she wouldn't catch that since. He's Jesse and really he can do everything but delve into what happened to him with Rachel]

I did. I still do. I realized no matter how hurt I was hurting you back was the worse thing I could have done. I mean - you remember that day at Carmel? When I told you I want to introduce you to Jesse - just Jesse without Vocal Adrenaline? I still feel like you're the only one I could have ever done it with. And I ruined it - I'm at least aware of that, unlike Finn - " he clenched his fists for a second before adding, "if he doesn't see it yet, he will. Just like I do."

[No. No, no, no.]

-- I loved you.

[It's quiet, and Rachel fixes her stare on him, no matter how difficult it is. Because the door is open, now, and Rachel doesn't run away from what she has to do.]

I thought that... after Finn dumped me, everything was okay again. I was ready to give up everything for that -- when New Directions found out, they were going to kick me out. Me, their star, their best singer, but I couldn't let go of the idea that it was all going to be okay. Because you were the only person that understood me.

[She stops, for a moment, to look away.]

And when you left, I didn't think I was going to compete, because I didn't want to. But when I saw how badly they needed me, when I saw how Finn couldn't keep the group together, I had to... [She swallows.] Pick up and move on and continue and perform to the best of my ability, which is what I intend to do now.

[...No indeed Rachel you put him in quite a spot - he'll look at her. And no, he won't lie to her. He did it once and it was bad enough]

You know Rachel - when I did what I did to you, I told you that, I told you I loved you, and it was a lie. I couldn't tell you that I love you. I didn't thought you loved me back at all. I thought it was Finn all along. But I can't lie to you now. I can't tell you 'I loved you too'. I know you wanted a closure - but I won't lie to you again about this."

[If there was a moment where Rachel Berry's heart ever stopped, that would be it.

No. This is all wrong. Jesse St James was supposed to hate her and be a stupid soulless automaton and not care and he's not supposed to love her. He's supposed to break her heart and move on, that's it, that's all there is to it, what is she supposed to do.

And Edward, what about him, what about what Negi had said, and Rachel had promised she wouldn't do anything stupid, and she would never allow herself to get her heart broken again --]

Jesse --

[She takes a step backwards, and suddenly, breathing is difficult, because he's right there -- ]

-- don't. Don't say that. You can't just -- say that and expect me to -- to believe it --

[He really preferred not to end up at this moment so soon - not now. But Rachel echoing his own words I loved you was ironic and frustrating and fitting, that he should deserve being in this situation now with her. But she was here - and he couldn't, he couldn't lie to her. He knew, just like he knew a year ago that he lost had lost her.

But no matter how much he tried to tell himself, convince himself that it was over and a thing of the past, no matter how much he tried repeating the same lines he sang at Regionals =

Nothing really matters, anyone could see, nothing really matters to me -

Now, with Rachel Berry standing in front of him he couldn't say he didn't love her. It wouldn't do her any justice]

I don't. I don't expect you to believe anything I say, Rachel. I didn't say anything didn't I?

[And suddenly it's Run Joey Run again, and suddenly he's in a dark room and his girlfriend has Finn featured on her video when she told him it was their thing. And it was always Finn - Finn who was the cause of their break up and Finn that had somehow didn't manage to keep Rachel - and Rachel who was undeniably the only one who he could talk to, be carefree with. The only girl he cared - loved enough to want to protect - from Shelby, from everyone - and eventually he did it all himself]

I won't say it, as per your request. It doesn't make it less true, to me.

You can't --

[The tiniest sob escapes from her throat, because it hurts. It hurts so much, and she has every opportunity to humiliate Jesse as he did her. She could leave, without a word, ignore him --

But she can't. She can't.]

No, because if you had, you wouldn't have left, you would have called --

[He feels so bad about this whole thing - but she's right, he shouldn't have left, they should have probably had this conversation a year ago]

I didn't think it mattered to you - I didn't know you loved me. I thought you loved Finn, and that I'm clearing the way for you to be together and - lead New Directions. And then at Regionals, you sang Faithfully and I was sure I had it right. That you loved Finn, and not me.

[Finn and Rachel - Rachel and Finn - singing 'I'm forever yours Faithfully' Jesse in return singing 'Nothing really matters to me' - how fitting. But Rachel loved him, back then she did and suddenly this whole situation was so frustrating. If only they talked, then]

We sang Faithfully because that was what we had to do, and if you hadn't egged me, it would have been with you.

[It would have, it would have, and Rachel fell for Finn's line, hook, line, and sinker.]

And I'm tired of people telling me that they love me only to leave.

I thought you loved him, that it was always Finn. First it was Run Joey Run and then Faithfully. But you're right - " that part he emphasized. "You're right, I lost my chance, it could have been me, and it was Finn - again. I'm not going to go right now, Rachel. I'm not going to say I love you and leave - you could go, and we'll be equals, it'll be fine."

[Tears are forming, and Rachel looks impossibly heartbroken.]

How could I do that?

[It's a small whisper.]

[He just...gives her a look - because he wants to help, he can't see her like that. But he doesn't know what is expected of him now and - ]

Rachel. I can't lie to you, I don't think it'll be right lying to you after I apologized for not being honest and for hurting you.

[Jesse feels right. He always has -- Rachel has a suspicion he always will. They have so much in common, they have the same drive, the same goals, the same everything --

But Jesse took her heart and shattered it and Rachel had warned him -- she had, she had warned him, and to go back on that would make her weak.

Did she still love him? Maybe. Rachel didn't know. I don't know. She never had the opportunity to get over Jesse -- because Finn had been there, with open arms, as he always was --

Her heart bobbed in her throat and she moved past him, to sit on the piano bench with a soft 'thump'.]

I don't want you to lie.

[I want you to stay the way you are and never change and not break my heart ever again and never leave my side again because I can't take it another time.]

I just --

[Her fingers press into her temples as she exhales a shaking breath.]

I'm just -- tired.

[He took a deep breathe - the fact that she didn't yell at him to go and never come back was something. He moved to sit next to her, giving her the space he knew she needed by now]

I won't mention it again if you'll ask me, I needed to tell you that at lease once.

[She's silent for a moment before she twists her body to sit properly on the bench. It's odd, how this is really how they first met -- at a piano. Rachel pushes herself slightly closer, impossibly tense, but it's a start.]

... you asked, earlier, when we were here, if Hello was just a song.

[It's quiet, and Rachel turns to face the keys, now closer to Jesse, before she plays the opening chords of the song. Her fingers are shaking slightly, but she knows the song. By heart. Without error.]

It's not. And it wasn't.

Finn -- [And her voice breaks, ever so slightly.] -- is one of my best friends. I love him -- I'll always love him, some part of me will always love him, as that. But...

[Her fingers slip from the keys into her lap.]

He would never have done that with me.

[The fact that she moved closer was - a surprise to say the least. But then again Rachel was a whole lot of unpredictable at times, and it was impossibly endearing. He let her talk, raising his eyes to meet hers when she started playing the song that has become their own, their thing, their introduction. He can't even think of Finn, Finn who came between them a year ago - he doesn't want him mentally between them now. So he picks up where she left off, his fingers creating the tune from the middle -]

I wonder where and I wonder what you do - are you somewhere feeling lonely or is someone loving you?

[It was ironic how this song always made him think of her, in LA, now and then, it was Rachel. It couldn't have been anyone else]

[She almost snaps at him to stop, when she hears the tune -- her head tilts ever so slightly in his direction -- but instead of singing along, her brow furrows, and Rachel looks almost... annoyed.

Then, a hand shoots out to stop him from playing.]

You cannot begin a song from the middle, Jesse.

[She looks deadly serious. Deadly serious.]

You skipped a verse.

[He almost laughs - trust Rachel to be a diva about songs when he's trying to - but no that was Rachel and somewhat that made him smile]

You're right. It doesn't do it justice, even if it was the part that seemed appropriate -

[he didn't need to ask her if to start all over again, she didn't need to ask, he understood her on that level, his fingers met the keys again and he went back to the first verse. To be singing this to Rachel - a year later and as true as it was when he met her- was a thrill, but he wasn't going to let that ruin his performance, she might get even more pissed off at him. As he sang the song he realized that it all described the year he spent in LA with no word to Rachel, he guessed she could possibly sense the change in how he sang it too. There was no masking it, he couldn't sing her I've been alone with you inside my mind just like that, the meaning was there, the emotion was too]

[At first, Rachel is quiet, when he restarts the song, and it doesn't appear like she wants to sing along -- but then, right on cue, she quietly joins in, precisely where she first joined in, when they first met. It's the same sense of nervousness and shyness, even though they aren't performing in the middle of a crowded library -- but just as before, the more she sings, the more confident she becomes.

Soon, Rachel is singing with gusto, and it feels just as it did before -- fun, exciting, thrilling, impossibly perfect, and dangerous. Except in Adstringendum, there was no Finn Hudson to remind her of the dangers. No Finn to tell her "Don't you think it's a little strange, we make it to Regionals and suddenly the lead in our competition picks you up?"

No Finn to lead her on and break her heart.

Not that Jesse isn't perfectly capable of doing the same, of course, but somehow, the song helps soothe the hurt that the last couple of months at McKinley have wrecked upon her heart.

Just like it did before.]

[He couldn't help but smile, genuinely smile at her when she started singing. He wasn't sure she would but when she did - he was as excited as she was, no one ever inspired him to put so much of himself and his abilities into a song like Rachel. She challenged him as he did her and it worked, the result was always amazing, always his best. As he played the last notes he turned to smile at her again, if there was an audience, they'd get a standing ovation for this one]

[She huffs softly in a laugh as she reaches up to rub the tears out of her eyes, from earlier. Rachel isn't quite looking at Jesse, not yet, but when she does -- the smile is captivating.

And, suddenly, Rachel realizes what just happened. Something she was so terrified of -- ever since Jesse left, meeting him again, singing with him again -- because singing, to Rachel, is far more intimate than kissing or hugging ever will be.

And, somehow, she doesn't feel... terrible. Self-conscious, maybe, mildly mortified, perhaps, but not terrible. Far from terrible.

And, before Rachel can stop herself, she rests head lightly on his shoulder, closing her eyes slightly as she exhales slowly.]

I did miss you.

[It's mumbled, and Rachel has a growing pit of 'This is a bad idea, to be this close, it's a terrible idea, Rachel -- ' growing in her stomach, but after the past two weeks, all Rachel really wants is a shoulder to lean on.]

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