20 [Text] 12:30 AM.

[somethingspecial]

i am not coming home tonight

[Nope. That's all you get. Filters are a bitch when you're crying.]

ooc: after this post

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[Text]

[somethingspecial]

it isn't your fault

[Permavideo; Private//Unhackable]

[al_truism]

I know. But you walked into this fairly blind, and that wasn't fair. None of this really is.

[He sounds tired, more than anything.]

A lot of things could have probably been handled better... though I can't fault anyone reacting the way they are.

... Ed -- is dealing with a lot right now. This is a lot of things coming out at once. I won't make excuses for him, but he is better than this.

[Private//Unhackable]

[somethingspecial]

[She's tired of texting and Al is one of her best friends, in Adstringendum -- so she lets the PCD slip from her fingers and the video clicks on, but it doesn't show her, only the night sky.

Her voice is thick.]

I said I wasn't going to run back into his arms and he didn't believe me.

[Private//Unhackable]

[al_truism]

That guy that showed up? The one that hurt you?

[Private//Unhackable]

[somethingspecial]

Edward did not believe me.

Jesse had no idea about any of this, but -- [A snort to herself.] That's a little late, now, isn't it.

[Private//Unhackable]

[al_truism]

[Ed's never had much trust in people. People other than Al and their mother anyway -- and until recently, Winry.]

So you aren't going to go back to him, then? For sure?

[Private//Unhackable]

[somethingspecial]

I don't know!

[It's somewhat shrilly and her voice cracks -- something in the back of her head yells at her for using her voice so recklessly, it could be damaging -- ]

I don't know, I don't know, everything is so confusing and the only person -- the only person to not demand answers out of me or -- or make a scene has been Jesse, which -- is impressive, considering his damn track record --

[Private//Unhackable]

[al_truism]

[Oh, Rachel.]

Breathe. [His voice is so soft, soothing.] Just breathe, Rachel.

I don't blame you at all for feeling like this. I'd be -- terrified.

[Private//Unhackable]

[somethingspecial]

[She sucks in a shaking breath, at Al's instruction, exhaling it somewhat painfully. Hyperventilating is completely out of the question. She is Rachel Berry. Panic does not become her.]

I'm tired of screwing everything up and not getting anything right.

[How ironic, Rachel thinks dimly.]

And I'm tired of being humiliated.

[Private//Unhackable]

[al_truism]

You've handled everything as well as you could. Better than a lot of people in the past have.

... it isn't fair that this is happening, but we'll figure something out. You're a smart person.

[Private//Unhackable]

[somethingspecial]

I'm trying so hard to remember.

[It's a desperate whisper. He has to believe her. He has to.]

I re-read my journals every day, Negi has been trying, but I just -- can't.

[Private//Unhackable]

[al_truism]

Oh, Rachel.

... you -- that's what you want?

[Private//Unhackable]

[somethingspecial]

I don't know if I want anyone -- I don't know if I can be with anyone -- but I want to remember.

It's not fair that I can't.

[Private//Unhackable]

[al_truism]

... the good thing about memories. Is that you can always make new ones.

[Private//Unhackable]

[somethingspecial]

It feels like that isn't good enough.

[Private//Unhackable]

[al_truism]

A friend of mine told me once, "We can only be what we are. No more, no less."

... but I understand.

[Private//Unhackable]

[somethingspecial]

... I like who I am. It might not seem like it, but I do. I love singing and I love performing and I love my friends, but --

[She swallows thickly.]

I'm not -- I'm not a liar, and when I say something -- that important, I mean it.

I can't be me if he doesn't believe me.

[Private//Unhackable]

[al_truism]

I don't think it's you that he doesn't believe in.

[Private//Unhackable]

[somethingspecial]

Actions speak louder than words.

[Somewhat bitterly.]

Because I'm not allowed to forgive someone or spend time with someone without being a liar.

[Private//Unhackable]

[al_truism]

...

I'm worried about you too.

[Private//Unhackable]

[somethingspecial]

Why?

[Private//Unhackable]

[al_truism]

I don't want you to get hurt again.

[Private//Unhackable]

[somethingspecial]

There is no parking lot in Adstringendum.

[Quietly, because she knows where this conversation is going.]

[Private//Unhackable]

[al_truism]

[For just a moment, he looks like he's about to cry.]

That's not the only way someone can make you feel worthless.

[Private//Unhackable]

[somethingspecial]

I'm aware.

[It's soft.]

I am not with Finn anymore for a reason.