somethingspecial | 44 [Accidental Video]

[She's died. She's terrified of wandering Adstringendum alone and can't work up the nerve to go to her theatre after what happened there. She has yet to figure out what her death price is. Anna is gone from Adstringendum. And Rachel, who spends every waking moment of her time singing whenever things gets too much, isn't allowed to sing.

Luckily, she can dance. Which is exactly what she is doing, when the feed clicks on -- Rachel is at the dojo, in a corner of it, dressed in exercise clothing, sweating profusely as the music to one of the only working casettes she has working blasts out of the old boombox she has rigged into working. The choreography Rachel is using is directly from the original video and she is putting everything she has into replicating one of the most famous pieces of dancing in the history of music. After all, this is reportedly the best album of all time -- Rachel should do it justice.

But when she spins, she spins a little too quickly, and her feet catch together and, to her horror, Rachel falls squarely, yelping as she lands on her behind. She's still for a moment -- and the Van Halen solo kicks in -- and suddenly, Rachel darts to her feet and moves to a cloth dummy in the corner, and she begins punching it. As hard as she can, repeatedly, and she nearly knocks it over in her rush to pulverize the living hell out of the sparring dummy, perfectly in time to the bass of Michael Jackson's hit, before she punches it one last final time to send it to the floor with a dusty crash and a cough. But that isn't enough -- she kicks it hard enough to send it rolling into the wall, which shakes the PCD into shutting off.]

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[She looks over at the angel, a little surprised, before she scoots over, indicating that Raphael should come sit with her. Though she is quiet for a moment or two, Rachel speaks shortly after the gesture, quietly.]

Anna was one of my first friends here.

[After a hesitation, Raphael walks over and sort of... awkwardly stands in place.]

Anael has always placed value on friendship.

[From Vulcan to English it roughly means that she's pretty sure Anna really cared about Rachel. There's also a good dose of archangel judgmental Judy-ing, but that's not the point.]

I do, too.

[Rachel pauses.]

I didn't have any for a long time.

[She didn't know how horrifically lonely she was without them until she had them. Rachel, that girl who knew almost every answer in class, made excellent grades, and held herself superior to all the rest of her fellow classmates because she knew something they didn't -- she was special. And Rachel would make it to the top without anyone's damn assistance.

But the torment eventually wears at you -- the constant bullying, the shoving into lockers, the ridicule one endures when one is special and stoutly refuses to change it. How many times had Rachel been sent home covered in blue slushy mix, wanting to cry, making up a lie to her fathers in order to avoid a truly dramatic scene? How many times had Quinn Fabray told her to get a sex change to make the transformation complete or Noah told her she'd never get laid with an annoying personality?

But then Rachel had found that stupid sign up sheet and she decided why not? And she sang, and she got in, and she met her friends. And her heart swells with pride at that first awful performance of You're The One That I Want, where she met Finn, the one person who was truly kind to her, and saw her, and Rachel understood that some things were even more important than fame and being recognized.

Being loved, and loving in return, was much more important.

Anna understood that.]

[Raphael, however, understands little. Hers is ultimately a suffocated existence.]

I have never had friends. Anna's need for them was nearly unique.

[Rachel pauses, at that, before tilting her head up to look at the angel, almost curiously.]

Of course you have. I'm your friend.

[It's said rather easily, without any effort or thought.]

[Blink blink. What an odd concept, however inaccurate.

She doesn't bother correcting her.]

You do know how she ends in our world.

Castiel told me that she died.

[She's quiet, for a moment, before looking away, to stare at the fallen dummy in front of her.]

I don't want to know how or why. It's -- I know it's horrible and I want to remember her as she is until she comes back.

[Because Anna will come back. She will.]

[Raphael keeps quiet, because something tells her that mentioning her role in driving Anna insane wouldn't go over well. Even if Rachel is determined to be her friend, she doubts it would survive the revelation of torture.]

Good. [Finally, something occurs to her to say. She sits down, somehow still looking straight-backed and stiff even with crossed legs, and continues staring evenly at the girl.] To remember the unpleasant only poisons memory. [And engenders rebellion, but since Rachel isn't an angel newly learning about the absence of a long-adored God, Raphael keeps that part to herself.]

If she wanted me to know, she would have told me.

[It's somewhat simply said. It's that easy. She supposes she'll find out one day, but it should be from Anna herself, and no one else.]

-- I wish there was a way for none of you to go back to your world.

[At that, Raphael looks away quickly, the creeper-stare breaking for the first time in a motion rather unlike her normal deliberate movements.]

There are plenty who agree with you. [Does she? It's hard to say. Raphael needs to go back, to right what was done to her and win the war to raise her brothers. She's certain of that. She is, she reminds herself for the third time in a row, because that is what she wanted before, and her will is what matters. But she has little desire to return to a world with that creature calling itself her Father in it; Castiel-the-monstrosity genuinely scares her. Raphael knows she has to go back, and she looks forward as always (dispassionately, nothing at all like the desperate yearning that she doesn't (can't) feel, because that is the province of lesser beings) to the simple peace that Armageddon will bring- whether Paradise and the cessation of pressure, God returning home, or even the quiet of death by Lucifer - she wants it.

Still. She knows perfectly well that, as she is, she can never go home. Were she to return, somehow defeat Castiel, raise Michael and Lucifer, and accomplish every single one of her goals, she would still be a monster. She would still burn, the pain heightened by the all-enveloping presence of the Holy Host. Even seeing her brother again - the one from her time, grateful beyond measure to see her after his captivity - would make no difference.

But she can't tell Rachel that. Even explaining why she was incapable of healing was more than the archangel was willing to reveal. So she remains silent.]

You could come to mine, but it isn't very exciting.

[Wonderfully dull, compared to Adstringendum. And Rachel misses it, with a huge weight in her chest, every single day. She misses going to school, and her classes, and the choir room, and the auditorium, and the joy she feels every time she uses her free study period to go talk to Mister Schuester about set lists that are so wonderfully out of this world that even she knows they'll never be able to manage it in time, but he listens anyway. She misses walking down the halls with Finn and encouraging him to eat more vegetables and listening to Kurt talk to her for hours on end about how Dalton Academy needs to change up their uniform on their coffee dates and the weekly Glee club dinners at Breadsticks. Even if they are with Santana, who complains the entire time about how Rachel's nose takes up half of the table.

Family. Friends. She wants them to be near her so badly but they can't be. Not here.]

I would not.

It would almost certainly allow Lucifer access.

Is Lucifer not trapped within Hell?

[Rachel Berry: Ignores logic in favor of what she wants to see.]

[Side-eye.]

He is trapped here.

Isn't he also trapped in your world? Isn't that how this place works?

44 [Accidental Video]

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lkjsdhg sorry for this failure of a tag

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