somethingspecial | 19 [Accidental Video]

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19 [Accidental Video]

[The video cuts on in the middle of Rachel brushing out her hair, watching herself in her mirror. There's a large macaw in the corner, which is the only sign of the event being in her room.

She doesn't seem focused on the PCD -- or the parrot -- but instead on her image in the mirror. Rachel sighs -- the humidity is causing her hair to be curlier and poofier than it normally is and the amount of moisture certainly isn't doing anything for her skin. A tug or two through and the brush makes it through her hair, but the girl looks less than satisfied.

Until Rachel cocks her head to the left and curls her fingers around the handle of her brush and begins to sing to herself, softly, at first, but the more she sings, the louder and more passionate it becomes:]

My mama told me when I was young, we're all born superstars. She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on, in the glass of her boudoir --

[A neat spin and Rachel is full out singing into her mirror -- and seems to be doing a dance, along with her song -- and it appears perfectly choreographed.]

There's nothin' wrong with lovin' who you are, she said, 'cause he made you perfect, babe, -- so hold your head up, girl, and you'll go far -- listen to me when I say -- !

[The brush is long since forgotten on the dresser, by this point, as she continues her dance.]

I'm beautiful in my way, 'cause God makes no mistakes, I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way -- don't hide yourself in regret, just love yourself and you're set, I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way --

[The PCD times out soon after -- the network has apparently had enough diva for the time being.]

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[Her brow furrows as she reaches out to touch his arm gently. Focus. She's uncertain, because -- he looks so upset.]

It was over before it even began. It doesn't matter.

[The moment she touches his arm he takes a deep breath and tries to - relax and remind himself that Finnisn'there isn'there 'cause if he was he'd probably punch his face, no sing-off and no nothing and for a minute right there he wants to kiss Rachel, because hell Rachel hell -]

Doesn't matter? Rachel. What did he do?

Quinn. He went back to Quinn.

[It's quiet and Rachel shrugs, to try and look like it didn't matter, but it did. It always did. Finn always gave her those few happy blissful months and then Rachel is left alone.]

He went back to - ?!

[What the fuck. The pregnant ex cheerleader girl? It's the biggest cliche - he'll turn over for a second so she wouldn't see how angry he is. It's really - really Finn? Really? He lost the girl he loves to you and you do this. What the - he'll turn back, looking less angry than he really is but still - enraged. He doesn't know what to say without losing his temper so he'll just look at her - and yeah just look at her]

... every great song is written out of pain and loneliness, Jesse.

[Rachel averts her eyes, uncomfortable by the intensity of the gaze.]

I simply used what happened to my advantage. We won Regionals and we now have a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Rachel - [He thinks of whether or not to even tell her that but eventually he'll turn her head gently because it's important]

Rachel - after I messed us up as I did, and I saw you singing Faithfully with Finn in Regionals - I thought he was a good guy. Much less of a professional singer than me but I thought - I thought he was a good guy since he never fought with me over you when he saw we were together. And when I was in LA and I was thinking of you I figured that well, at least you're treated right by him, at least he's doing better than I am -

[Which is. So ironic now and it makes him so angry -]

[She stiffens when Jesse turns her head, impossibly tense, but she doesn't move his hand away as she meets his eyes. They show an impossible amount of sadness, because that's not what she wants to hear.]

He's not a bad guy. [It's said almost weakly, because Rachel, as Rachel always will, defends Finn.] He just -- it wasn't meant to be.

[She reaches up to move his hand away from her cheek.]

Quinn Fabray is the girl who gets Finn Hudson. That's -- all there is to it.

[There's something so - so heartbreaking and frustrating in this position here, now. Absurdly Jesse can hear 'I'm Not That Girl' echoing in his mind but he doesn't let her move his hand not yet anyway -]

Well Rachel Berry will get more than the small town cliche with the football player. She'll get much greater things.

[And that's it, now she can move his arm and everything]

[She doesn't let go of his hand, right away, and she looks troubled.]

That's what Quinn told me.

[It's... quiet -- absent, almost.]

Hence the song.

[He's pretty happy with that fact so he'll give her a long look]

Well she seems to know at least what she's talking about at a certain percent of the time -

[Rachel shrugs. She does, and Rachel hated it, because that was the one thing Rachel didn't want to be wrong about. Everything was supposed to be okay, when Finn told her that he loved her. How hard was it for someone to keep that promise? She certainly didn't tell people that lightly. Why did everyone else?]

It's over now, anyway.

[he nods slowly. Trying not to go back to wanting to break Finn's face. It's a bit hard but he manages since - really Finn had her. She loved him - that what the one thing that made Jesse break up with her and in his anger and well, disappoitment, break her heart because he loved her - loves her - and somehow he never knew how to do the right thing eith Rachel. Then again he never loved anyone before her either]

It's his lost.

[their lost. But that he kept to himself]

It doesn't feel that way.

[It's a quiet admission, and Rachel finally lets go of his hand to cross her arms across her chest. Because it really doesn't feel that way. It feels like she screwed up -- and Rachel did, she knows she did. In a moment of anger and aggravation, she completely ruined what she thought was the best thing in her life.

But, as Quinn so bluntly put it, it wasn't meant to be. And Rachel knew it was the truth. It was just a time-bomb, ticking down to the inevitable explosion where Rachel couldn't handle being placed second for football and Finn couldn't handle Rachel's obsessive need to succeed.

It just wasn't meant to be.]

"Now - it doesn't feel like that now, but you know what Rachel - one day he'll realized he lost someone very valuable, and possibly the best girl he'll ever meet - I know I did," he allowed a bit of a confession, "and he'll feel like the idiot he is but you will be in another place entirely. New York, Broadway, everything you ever wanted. High school will be nothing."

[It didn't feel that way. It felt like everything, her entire world was ripped away, when Finn glared at her with such loathing in the hallway.

"Well, I never thought you could be so mean."

But something else causes Rachel to look up at him, eyes damp.]

You did?

[...He kinda hoped she wouldn't catch that since. He's Jesse and really he can do everything but delve into what happened to him with Rachel]

I did. I still do. I realized no matter how hurt I was hurting you back was the worse thing I could have done. I mean - you remember that day at Carmel? When I told you I want to introduce you to Jesse - just Jesse without Vocal Adrenaline? I still feel like you're the only one I could have ever done it with. And I ruined it - I'm at least aware of that, unlike Finn - " he clenched his fists for a second before adding, "if he doesn't see it yet, he will. Just like I do."

[No. No, no, no.]

-- I loved you.

[It's quiet, and Rachel fixes her stare on him, no matter how difficult it is. Because the door is open, now, and Rachel doesn't run away from what she has to do.]

I thought that... after Finn dumped me, everything was okay again. I was ready to give up everything for that -- when New Directions found out, they were going to kick me out. Me, their star, their best singer, but I couldn't let go of the idea that it was all going to be okay. Because you were the only person that understood me.

[She stops, for a moment, to look away.]

And when you left, I didn't think I was going to compete, because I didn't want to. But when I saw how badly they needed me, when I saw how Finn couldn't keep the group together, I had to... [She swallows.] Pick up and move on and continue and perform to the best of my ability, which is what I intend to do now.

[...No indeed Rachel you put him in quite a spot - he'll look at her. And no, he won't lie to her. He did it once and it was bad enough]

You know Rachel - when I did what I did to you, I told you that, I told you I loved you, and it was a lie. I couldn't tell you that I love you. I didn't thought you loved me back at all. I thought it was Finn all along. But I can't lie to you now. I can't tell you 'I loved you too'. I know you wanted a closure - but I won't lie to you again about this."

[If there was a moment where Rachel Berry's heart ever stopped, that would be it.

No. This is all wrong. Jesse St James was supposed to hate her and be a stupid soulless automaton and not care and he's not supposed to love her. He's supposed to break her heart and move on, that's it, that's all there is to it, what is she supposed to do.

And Edward, what about him, what about what Negi had said, and Rachel had promised she wouldn't do anything stupid, and she would never allow herself to get her heart broken again --]

Jesse --

[She takes a step backwards, and suddenly, breathing is difficult, because he's right there -- ]

-- don't. Don't say that. You can't just -- say that and expect me to -- to believe it --

[He really preferred not to end up at this moment so soon - not now. But Rachel echoing his own words I loved you was ironic and frustrating and fitting, that he should deserve being in this situation now with her. But she was here - and he couldn't, he couldn't lie to her. He knew, just like he knew a year ago that he lost had lost her.

But no matter how much he tried to tell himself, convince himself that it was over and a thing of the past, no matter how much he tried repeating the same lines he sang at Regionals =

Nothing really matters, anyone could see, nothing really matters to me -

Now, with Rachel Berry standing in front of him he couldn't say he didn't love her. It wouldn't do her any justice]

I don't. I don't expect you to believe anything I say, Rachel. I didn't say anything didn't I?

[And suddenly it's Run Joey Run again, and suddenly he's in a dark room and his girlfriend has Finn featured on her video when she told him it was their thing. And it was always Finn - Finn who was the cause of their break up and Finn that had somehow didn't manage to keep Rachel - and Rachel who was undeniably the only one who he could talk to, be carefree with. The only girl he cared - loved enough to want to protect - from Shelby, from everyone - and eventually he did it all himself]

I won't say it, as per your request. It doesn't make it less true, to me.

You can't --

[The tiniest sob escapes from her throat, because it hurts. It hurts so much, and she has every opportunity to humiliate Jesse as he did her. She could leave, without a word, ignore him --

But she can't. She can't.]

No, because if you had, you wouldn't have left, you would have called --

[He feels so bad about this whole thing - but she's right, he shouldn't have left, they should have probably had this conversation a year ago]

I didn't think it mattered to you - I didn't know you loved me. I thought you loved Finn, and that I'm clearing the way for you to be together and - lead New Directions. And then at Regionals, you sang Faithfully and I was sure I had it right. That you loved Finn, and not me.

[Finn and Rachel - Rachel and Finn - singing 'I'm forever yours Faithfully' Jesse in return singing 'Nothing really matters to me' - how fitting. But Rachel loved him, back then she did and suddenly this whole situation was so frustrating. If only they talked, then]

We sang Faithfully because that was what we had to do, and if you hadn't egged me, it would have been with you.

[It would have, it would have, and Rachel fell for Finn's line, hook, line, and sinker.]

And I'm tired of people telling me that they love me only to leave.

I thought you loved him, that it was always Finn. First it was Run Joey Run and then Faithfully. But you're right - " that part he emphasized. "You're right, I lost my chance, it could have been me, and it was Finn - again. I'm not going to go right now, Rachel. I'm not going to say I love you and leave - you could go, and we'll be equals, it'll be fine."

[Tears are forming, and Rachel looks impossibly heartbroken.]

How could I do that?

[It's a small whisper.]

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